Today is my 4th birthday

Not my belly button birthday. My AA birthday. At 7.55pm, 4 years ago today, I walked into my very first AA meeting. I was 29 years old. I was terrified and I was going to burst into tears at any moment.

The AA website assured me that plenty of women of all ages attend AA, my image of a bunch of old men, standing around smoking and sullen, was completely untrue according to the site.

So in my warm comfy jeans and ugg boots, with my hoodie pulled over my head, I walked up the dark driveway to the door of my first AA meeting. I had every intention of sitting in the far back of the room, saying nothing and leaving as soon as it was over.

As I approached I could see a bunch of older men standing at the door smoking. My first stereotype had come to pass.

I tried to sneak past and into the door but one of them stuck their hand out and said hello, told me his name and asked me if it was my first meeting. There was no escape now.

I needed a drink. As I walked in the door I knew my first stop was the tea and coffee table hollywood movies assure me were at all AA meetings. I was right. There it was. Across the room, surrounded by more men. Not a woman in sight.

It was here I met my next obstacle. Another welcoming smile and a hand to shake. I desperately wanted my cup of tea. That safety net of a drink in my hand. I shook the hand offered to me, told him my name and said I was new, that I didn't really know what to expect. Tears were building and my throat was tight but I managed not to cry.

Finally I made it to that table. I had my cup, my safe haven. My next obstacle appeared. There was no back of the room. The chairs were set in a circle. Nowhere to hide.

So I walked over to the circle and sat next to my second greeter. The man who appeared to be running the show. A lovely, gentle man who made me feel safe.

It was just me and 11 other men. All over 50 years old. And it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

I walked into that meeting believing I wasn't an alcoholic and I walked out knowing I was one. It was the start of healing, understanding and forgiveness.